Unfortunately, Dr. Bernard’s words have proved true. Things are getting much worse at the end. The culmulative effect of platinum building up on my nerves has made me realize that, like it or not, I need to add the two extra hours on to my infusions to receive the calcium that may help my neuropathy. My only hope is that I will not have permanent neuropathic symptoms. I knew going into this that there could be permanent damage. I just pray that it will not adversely affect my eyes or ears, as it has the potential to cause blindness and deafness. I likewise do not wish to have to permanently forego ice and cold drinks/foods. I can live with some tingling in my extremities, even if that may not be desirable. My hands have gotten to the point that I am dropping things. Last Wednesday night, I dropped a dozen eggs walking out of Food Lion. I was trying to put the change back in my pocket and thought that the loops of the plastic bag were secure on my fingers. Obviously, it was not secured. I still can’t believe that I couldn’t tell that the bag was not secured simply by touch. I also keep dropping my medicine as the pills seem to shoot out of my fingers. (That is actually somewhat comical.) Otherwise the neuropathy hasn’t impacted my ability to grasp a pen or type on a keyboard. My feet tingle most of the time now. When I finish my chemotherapy in clinic and am attached to the pump I take home with me, I have a hard time walking initially. It is as if I must will myself to pick up my feet as I cannot really feel them too well to know what they are doing. It is like trying to walk with two wet noodles for legs. The sensation does pass within minutes but it is disconcerting to say the least. I could see my feet having some permanent neuropathic damage. I have likewise begun to develop some of the gastric symptoms about which they warned me. Lest I get too graphic, I won ‘t go into any detail about that. Suffice it to say, I may have to watch for dehydration more closely. It is only a bother because of the ileostomy. It is not totally unexpected as the Flouracil affects the mucus membranes. Your digestive system is essentially composed of mucus membranes (the surface of those tissues anyway). Thus, I am having these problems in addition to increased sinus problems. I have even had a few nosebleeds as a result of the Flouracil. All of this is accompanied by fatigue and what is euphamistically called, “chemo brain,” in which concentration lags and you have difficulty thinking of simple things. Isn’t it strange, though, that I can still think to type a word such as euphamisitic but yet complain about diminished mental acuity? I know I still sound too verbose but my ability is currently diminished from normal. It drives me nuts. I can say “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” but cannot think of the name of the utensil in my hand. It is just odd.
I feel like refuse today. I don’t feels as if I am worth much. I don’t mean that I feel invaluable as a person but, rather, I feel invaluable as in, ” I am not being productive.” I wouldn’t have clarified that statement except that some have gotten on to me in the past when I have said it as they misunderstod that to which I referred. Needless to say, any “honey-do” list will go unfulfilled today. I really don’t have the will to do much. Even so, you can only sleep so much. 
Alright…some good news. I only have three infusions of chemotherapy left. At least, this is what I am being told by the gastroenterologist and chemotherapy pharmacist. They said that 12 is the normal amount of infusions that you receive because of colon cancer. Thus, I’m still confused why my oncologist, Dr. Bernard, keeps saying that I’ll be done in Novemeber. Perhaps, he means that November is when I’ll be done with all of the scans and such that they need to do to gauge the effectiveness of the chemotherapy. I don’t know. I know I will find out, though, if God allows time to continue.
All in all, I am ready for it to be over. I found out that I had colon cancer on February 24, 2010. I had my colectomy on April 8, 2010. I began chemotherapy on May 20, 2010. Basically, my entire 2010 has been lost. I truly thank God that He allowed me to go to PTP as I would have otherwise not done anyhting really enjoyable this year. For the last three years, I’ve gone out west each summer to visit my brother and his family. That didn’t happen because of my health. It also prevented me from travelling to Jacksonville, FL to see someone very special to me. I don’t mean to sound like “sour grapes,” though. I will just be thankful for that time when I have put all of this behind me and can say, “I’ve been cancer free now for ‘x’ years.” I can’t afford to get too “testy,” though. I will be having the remainder of my colon removed in 2011. As this will involve the removal of muscle, the recuperation time will be greater and I can expect to be sorer following surgery.
All I can do is borrow a line from “Finding Nemo,” and tweak it a little. “Just keep prayin’, just keep prayin’.” 
Really, that is all that we human beings can do. Everything else is out of our hands. I do know that there are many of you out there praying for me and, despite my complaining today, I do feel its positive impact. I know that if it weren’t for your thoughtfulness, life would be intolerable right now. So thank you for doing what you are able to do to help me out. God is good and I know He is listening.
Tags: Chemotherapy
